“Musings of a Board Member", Linda Klempner, PhD.

Life and loss—they go together. As a clinical psychologist specializing in loss for forty-years, I’ve cried with my patients who have lost their best friend—often a cat or dog; a child they barely knew due to miscarriage, stillbirth or sudden early death; or a spouse or parent riddled with cancer who they prayed would go peacefully after painful last months of suffering. There are many who never saw loss coming whether due to a sudden accident, heart attack or aneurysm. Finally, we’ve all been touched by someone who died during the Covid pandemic.

Loss comes in so many variations. When it’s remote, and happens to someone we didn’t know or barely knew, we breathe a sigh of relief. When it happens to someone close to us, our brains stop functioning and emotions overtake. Now we know that Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’ five stages of grief aren’t linear. Most people don’t simply go from denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Our emotions vary and fluctuate going back and forth and back again.

Certainly painful; what compounds that loss is the lack of planning. Is it denial, wishful or magical thinking that death will never knock on my door? Whatever, the psychological motivations, the chaos that ensues can be hard to imagine until it’s in your face.

Emotional and financial suffering may not be avoidable but it’s the calm days when we can engage our brains when we are well that helps avoid post-death suffering due to lack of planning and organization. What does that suffering entail? Making a living will, a financial will, for those with young children electing a guardian, and choosing funeral and burial arrangements. The true pity is that this part of the death experience is avoidable. A true story: my mother-in-law was a pragmatic but difficult and sometimes critical and unkind woman. However, many years prior to her death at 94, she and my father-in-law made arrangements for their funerals and burials. Turns out that was an exceptionally kind thing to do for her son, an only child. The disposition of her wishes was crystal clear.

My husband made one phone call and the rest was fully handled by a funeral home. All we had to do was show up. It’s true that you must have savings set aside to pay in advance. For my in-laws, this was more essential than taking a vacation or two. My husband and I will always be grateful to them as positive role models, so we don’t have to put our own children through the myriad of choices and angst that many have to at the time of a loved one’s death. Not uncommon, grief gets complicated when it morph’s into frustration and/or rage when money needed for a burial and other related costs. Delays in executing a loved one’s wishes or, worse yet, a truncated probate process happens for various reasons such as no identified executor was named to be in charge of administering or settling the estate, important documents can’t be located or accessed because things were left in a mess.

For years, when a patient would come in with grieving, I’d comment that our attitudes about death keep us away from the subject to the point, at times, of taboo. For me, there was irony that high schools are mandated to teach sex education and drivers education—but nothing on death education. This glass wall was broken In January 2024, Governor Phil Murphy signed a new law requiring schools to teach students about grief and loss. Perhaps, this will help educated and develop new attitudes towards a new generation’s approach to death and dying.

Planning for your future in the event of death is not a bad omen that you’re bringing on your death or something superstitiously ominous. It makes for better living. Think about why your favorite kitchen appliance is indispensable to having a comfortable life. When your estate plan is settled, it goes in a drawer or a closet. Hopefully, never to be revisited again for many years.

Old and young alike say these unpleasant conversations and the ensuing paperwork can be done tomorrow. It can’t happen to them or it’s on the list which means that it is way lower a priority than a hip replacement or closet cleaning. It’s too complicated and hiring a lawyer to write a will is too expensive. As I was writing this article, a neighbor, whose husband died three years ago said she has yet to straighten out his affairs and get a will written for her own estate which includes several pieces of property. She asked if I knew a lawyer and maybe this short conversation might get the ball rolling for her to take action.

What really gets my goat is inaction. Not surprisingly, my position is talk! Scary subjects, like advance care directives, living wills, guardianship for the kids, designating a health care power of attorney for care before you die and what you want done after you die including having an executor and a will, burial choice, cataloging assets and debts and paving the way for easier
paperwork can all be smoothed out with communication. My position is that it may only take a couple of conversations to make this subject less weird, scary, frightened. Talking about the scary things defuses the “ick” factor. Understanding where your fear or discomfort is coming from makes for an easier pathway to decision-making.

FCANNJ has numerous useful materials to calm this anxiety provoking process. A simple way of organizing what you have or getting started is:

Before I Go, You Should Know PDF

Another recommendation is to purchase a Nokbox which helps keep important papers. It helps systematize all your accounts and precious. They call it a next of kin box so you “leave memories not a mess. Don’t want to spend money? Consider a three-ring looseleaf binder (like from high school) with side sleeves. The important thing is to make it crystal clear to those who need to know where to find it when the time comes.

Some people have a clear and cogent plan but most of us have not thought through what our wishes are. Be kind to your children or family members so no unexpected bombs are dropped when they can least handle it. Advanced planning is a gift. There doesn’t have to be an impending death ,although illness is often a catalyst, to review plans. Think of this discussion as productive and satisfying once you’ve completed it. Consider this task like a crossword puzzle or detective story that needs a resolution. Like those kids currently in high school, you have the power to make a conversation and sound decisions as reasonable as those about responsible driving or sex. For further information, explore FCANNJ’s website for free downloadable publications on a variety of dying and death related topics.